Happy Dad's Day

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

-Tim Russert

“Daddies don’t just love their children every now and then.  It’s a love without end, amen.”

-George Strait

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

-Bill Cosby

            It is on this day that we reflect on how much our dads mean to us.  How sad it is that we must be reminded.  My own father certainly merits a great deal of appreciation but my ponderings on Father’s Day exceed the normal “Gaw, I really like him.  I think I’ll keep him around for a bit longer.” No on this day each year, I am reminded of how much my dad has taught me.  I have learned more from Craig Hollingsworth than one could ever hope to learn from a teacher or textbook.  Plus his knowledge is useful.  He taught me that the louder you get, the more right you sound; that lids and straws are useless inventions for pansies; and that my mother is the most beautiful woman in the whole world.  (When asked, “Dad, who do you think the prettiest actress is,” he responded without hesitation, “Andy McDowell but she ain’t got nothing on your mom.” Smart man.) 

            My dad and I have a lot of things in common so I guess that means I’m pretty great too J but besides our strikingly good looks and blatant disregard for authority and dislike of extreme heat, we fight the same.  I was reminded of this earlier this week when my dad called to ream me for getting my car towed.  I realized later that he was fighting for me instead of against me but when I got off the phone, even in my anger, I couldn’t help but laugh.  Whit isn’t much for fighting so I think my dad must not have known what to do with me when he found out I was a fighter just like him.  He is constantly pushing for law school because “Kane, you’re such a good arguer,” which we all know is code for, “You’re kind of scary and also a little bit of a jerk so I think you could intimidate people into thinking you’re right.”  That’s probably true.  Anyways I laughed at our phone fight because neither one of us can win. Ever.  He’s created a monster and neither one of us know how to beat the other out because we have the same technique.   There is a silver lining to our nonsense though and it is this: we fight for what we feel for and while we are often irrational and quick to jump the gun, we defend those we love and what we believe in. 

            I’d be up a creek without a paddle without you, Dad.  Surely I would have no stable furniture, functioning machines, and I would most definitely have exploded my tires without the knowledge of a pressure gauge and its function.  I’d look like a real tool on a bike and roller blades and I would drink vile beer.  So here’s to you and our brand of crazy.  Don’t change a thing. Except maybe the cargo shorts.  And I wouldn’t hate to see the visors go. 

Ricky Bobby Prayer
Bigfoot Spotted. Nuff said.

            Love ya, miss ya, mean it.

Kwai Chang Ding Dang Fling Flang Caine

You'll Be Missed, Baby Benelli

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

R.I.P. Benelli: June 2, 2013

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day.”

-John Grogan, Marley & Me

“A dog doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb.  Give him your heart and he’ll give you his.  How many people can you say that about?  How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special?  How many people can make you feel extraordinary?”

-John Grogan, Marley & Me

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog, they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart.  If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.”

            The goodness of dogs never ceases to amaze me.  We live our lives for 100 different reasons, and they, they live their lives for us.  They are sweet when we are not and so incredibly steadfast against our innate bad nature- always there to greet us with a wagging tail, and, if you are truly lucky, a sloppy wet kiss.  Benelli, Whit’s baby, was no exception to the incredible nature of dogs.  In her very short life she managed to make a great many people happy, charming us with her puppy paws and incredibly sharp teeth.  A fishing aficionado and an avid brawler, Benelli took on dogs well above her weight class with her sneaky jumps and the throwing of spotted elbows.  I hear in some well-respected dog circles, she was known as the dog Muhammad Ali.  Just sayin’…what did your dog do today?  In our crazy circle however, she was simply known as one of the best dogs ever.   She was loved deeply and will be missed everyday.  I am so sorry, Whit.  I will remember her sweet puppy face as it was in the moments just before she came at me like a spider monkey.

            Go home and love on the babies that are always there for you and cherish their too-short, very important lives.  And may all dogs go to heaven.

Love ya, miss ya, mean it.

Kane

Happy Ashley Day

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

“I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.  I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of a vulture.  I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.  I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.”

-Lemony Snicket

The Beatrice Letters

            …particularly when the movie is Pride and Prejudice…or anything else Jane Austen for that matter.  HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to the best mama in the whole world!!  This year, my mama celebrated her special day the way she does every year: away from her children.  J My mother has always enjoyed her time with her Queens girls and they take an annual mother’s day beach trip…clearly they love us lots. 

Anyway, in honor of my beautiful mama, a list of things she has taught me:

--One does not actually wash chicken with dish soap and water…just dish soap.

--Remember who you are, but more importantly, remember WHOSE you are…and don’t embarrass them.

--Always coordinate your outfit with at least one other family member. That way, should one of you get lost, it will be easier to identify them as the person dressed EXACTLY like you…useful one, mom.

The only time to date that we haven't dressed alike:

--“Best By” dates are more of guidelines than actual rules.

--The best way to spread Christmas cheer is playing Christmas music starting the day after Thanksgiving and playing it until the kids finally hide the music.  That’s about New Years.

--Love your family. They’re the most solid thing you’ve got and they deserve your whole heart.  You’ve always been there for us mom, sorry we are all so crazy.

I get it from my mama:

But at first she was all, "she's not mine":

Love ya. Miss ya. Mean it.

Kane 

The Trip of a Lifetime

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

“My whole life I’ve been telling myself don’t be afraid.

And it is only now that I’m realizing how stupid that is. Don’t be afraid. Like saying ‘don’t move out of the way when someone tries to punch you’ or ‘don’t flinch at the heat of a fire’ or ‘don’t blink.’ Don’t be human.

I’m afraid and you’re afraid and we’re all always going to be afraid, because that’s the point.

What I should be telling myself is ‘be afraid, but do it anyway.’

Live anyway.”

            So I survived exams and will live to muddle through another semester in the Real World.  I had barely finished my last exam when my Dad and I jet-setted off to Puerto Rico for the adventure of a lifetime.  We flew to San Juan like big shots, riding first class and watching the Sandlot the whole way.  There, we explored Old San Juan, which was BEAUTIFUL, ate some local food (plantains for daysssssss), watched some local pigeons peck around in our restaurant, and walked around the old city on some fabulously paved cobblebrick (that’s a thing?) streets before heading back to the marina to acquaint ourselves with the Free Spirit, an 80-foot Hatteras that would be our home for the next 6 days.  The Free Spirit is grand to say the least and is manned by Captain Dave and his mate, Kimberly.

 San Juan streets:

Dave and Kimberly:

            The four of us spent the first night (pre embarking) at a Brazilian Steakhouse (Go Meat!!!) …and then we had to sleep that off.  By the time I was ruthlessly shaken awake at the crack of dawn, during which not even the demons in the world have opened their eyes but of course we all must because who wants to miss the 6 am?!?! woke up we were metaphorically setting sail (what with it not being a sail boat) with our sights set on the Exumas…turns out our sights would mostly be set on water for the next 61 hours.  If you’ve never been completely surrounded by water, then you’re missing out.  For three days all I saw was water, no land to be seen and for the most part, too far out to see any birds.  There were fly fish for days and the sea was calm calm calm. 

6am sunrise...yay:

The fort:

I took one “shift” “driving” the boat. Why the quotes? “Shift”: because while Dave and my Dad spent most of their days behind the wheel, I mostly kept company and poor little old me only had to watch to make sure we didn’t crash into anything for a mere 2 and a half hours one morning from 2:30-5…I suspect the time assignments had something to do with me being a college student and what not.  “Driving”: because here’s what I’ve learned about boats: they’re very much like crock pots in the sense that you just sort of set it and forget it.  It really drives itself for the most part (and Dave is really good at his job and creates the illusion that it’s all easy and fun and games…that’s the version I prefer.) 

Shifts at the crockpot:

Anywho, our first land stop was in Emerald Bay, Bahamas where we evaded customs (is it legal to have that online? hope so.) and snuck onto the Sandals Resort, because ya know we’re rebels.  We, yes Craig Hollingsworth included, danced and sang and borrowed their free drinks well into the night.  I’m also fairly certain (I’d say 39%) that I was inducted into some sort of exclusive Bahamian society of which I am now queen of.  I got a pretty sweet outfit and everything.  Also they gave me a bottle of rocks so I’m pretty sure it’s official. You may, from this point forward, refer to me as Queen Kane.  I might also respond to Your Highness the Beautiful, but who knows? We are still in the Bahamian queen trial period. 

Me leading my people:

The next day customs came to us and we sought out immigrations at the airport because I’ll be damned if I was leaving that place without a stamp on my passport.  The unexpected trip to the local dirt airstrip was actually a blessing in disguise because: 1. I got to ride, while someone else drove, on the left side of the rode for the first time…shveet, and 2. I got to see the beautiful beaches the island has to offer…also pretty shveet.

From Emerald Bay, we set off again, this time for the MAIN EVENT!!! Some short hours later we were in Staniel Cay, Bahamas: the greatest show on earth.  They’ve got nurse sharks and stingrays to spare that just swim peacefully around with you in the crystal clear water.  They’ve got an island of pigs, yes of pigs!! The burnt piggies swim out to your boat and tread water for an impressive amount of time while you feed them stale tortilla chips and lettuce…YUM!!! There is also “Thunderball Grotto”, the coolest thing I’ve ever done.  As some of you know, I don’t dive (like into the deep abyss I mean. I can swan dive like none other.) It has never been on the list of things I need to in my life. Skydive? Sure. Bungee jump? Maybe. Potentially drown? Hmmm not so much. Anyway snorkeling is a very good alternative for me and the grotto was the place for me to be.   I swam around the surface and watched the fishies from a distance. Go skepticism!

Piggy Island:

Flags at Staniel Cay:

After our romp in the ocean, we boarded the boat and headed for American soil, finally touching down in Ft. Lauderdale after a pretty cool lightning show that night.  Trip of a lifetime for sure and my dad and I had some solid quality time and here’s what I learned about him:

1.    He prefers COLD Coors Light to water
2. He studied under the apostles as a fisherman: that man caught a fish in the middle of the damn ocean.  How does one go out into the abyss and manage to catch a fish with his own bare hands (kidding he used some sort of fancy rod but still…)
3.   He does not like asparagus.
4.   He is apparently concerned that that trip will be the last time he ever spends with me.  He kept saying, “This one’s 20 so this might be the last chance we have.” To which I say:

a.     “This one” is how you identify puppies in a litter.

b.     I’m still 19. Don’t age me anymore than necessary. Growing up is a trick.

c.      You’re very young ish. The beard dates you but we all know you’re faking the aches and that you can still swing somebody around in a shag dance so I’m not really sure where you think you’re headed.

d.     I’ve been told you and I are similar.  I don’t know where they get it. Maybe it’s our good looks, our strong aversion to physical contact, and the pure joy we get out of Duck Dynasty but someday I’m going to get just as annoyed with everyone else in the world not being as smart as me and you and I are going to sit around, the two grumps that we are, drinking (preferably not Coors Light) and watching, as mom would call it, some crap on TV. So don’t give up on me quite yet.  I’ll stick around for awhile and ride with you to Lowe’s if you’ll still have me.

e.     THANKS FOR A GREAT TRIP!!!!

The magic fish:

Just dancin':

Love ya. Miss ya. Mean it.

Kane